Two Little Souls

I've had a lot of friends and family members, and a couple complete strangers, offer me words of comfort about my miscarriage.  Most of it has been really helpful.  Honestly, nobody (so far anyway) has said anything that hurt my feelings or was profoundly unhelpful, as I've read happens to many women.

One friend sent me a sweet card days after hearing my sad news, and of course it made me cry.  She said that I'll always be Mommy to two little angels.

My mom wrote me a poem, which I'll paraphrase here to protect my family's anonymity:

Little spirits who didn't quite make it,
I honor you and love you,
envision you with Grandpa R.
getting deputized with miniature gold badges (my grandpa was a sheriff)
and riding in the sheriff's car
over the celestial hills
with the siren blaring
laughing and carrying on
as only a R. can do.

Soon your Grandpa B.
will join you.
Watch for him.
He will want to tell you long stories
teach you how to drive a stick shift
and how to ride wild horses.
Gather Tucker and Tigger and Sammie around you
and watch for him.

R and I had a conversation just a couple days before I read this in which we discussed whether or not our little embryos had spirits.  We decided that they do.  And that they're with my Grandpa right now.  It actually hadn't occurred to me that they might be with Tucker, Tigger, and Sammie, but I like that thought.  Maybe they are also with their Aunt Melinda, who I never got to meet.

This weekend I was catching up on some episodes of Oprah's Lifeclass.  I watched one about letting go of the past, and Gary Zukov was talking to a young mother who gave birth to twins prematurely.  One of them didn't live more than a few days, and the parents were having a really hard time moving on with their lives.  While I'm certainly not in the same situation as this poor mother, I was really helped by what Mr. Zukov had to say.

He told her that we have to let go of thinking of this child as a personality and begin thinking of him as a soul.  Instead of viewing his death as a terrible tragedy, he suggested that the mother view him as a spirit who chose to come spend a short time with her, and then chose to leave.  He had his reasons, and we may not know what they are, but that small period of time in which she had him in her life is a blessing.

So, I'm thinking of my little souls the same way.  They chose to come to earth and spend a few short weeks with me.  And then they had to go.  I may not know why right now, and I may never know why, but I realize that in some way, their short time with me was a blessing.