Dating Positively

I had an interesting talk with a friend today who is also dating online right now and having some wacky experiences.  She said she has realized that she has a very clear idea in her mind of what she doesn't want in a relationship, but she knows that focusing on the negative isn't a very good way to get what you do want.  She said she felt like she didn't know what she wanted, until she realized that she could just flip each "don't want" into its opposite, and turn that into a list of what she does want.  So, I've been pondering this today, and I decided I need to make my own list.

I don't want someone who is married, has a girlfriend, or is on the rebound from one or the other.  (This might seem obvious, but seriously, I'm shocked at how many people are contacting me who are attached already.)  I want someone who is 100% single and available, in every way.  Someone who is long ago divorced, has never been married, or even is widowed, and someone who is completely over any women who were in his life previously.

I don't want someone who can't take care of himself financially.  This means I do want someone who is gainfully employed.  I want someone who has a good to excellent credit rating, pays all his bills in full and on time, has his own place to live, owns a car, and yes, I'll say it, who can afford to take me out once in a while (and who is generous enough to want to do that).

I don't want someone who smells bad in any way, shape, or form.  I want someone who bathes regularly, and someone whose chemistry is compatible with mine so that I always think he smells good.

I don't want someone who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, or anything else that's unhealthy.  I want a partner who is free from addictions.

I don't want someone who doesn't "get" my sense of humor.  This means I do want a romantic relationship with someone who cracks me up, and who cracks up himself at my witty repartee.

I don't want someone who can't spell, use proper grammar, or use punctuation.  I do want someone who is highly skilled at utilizing the English language in print.

I don't want someone with anger issues.  I want a partner who is emotionally healthy and generally positive about life.

I don't want someone who lives in a situation that isn't conducive to my health, happiness, and well-being.  I want someone who values where he lives at a level similar to myself.  I want someone who has a nice home that he takes care of and keeps clean.

I don't want someone who is morbidly obese.  I want to be with someone who places a reasonable level of importance on eating well, exercising, and generally maintaining healthy habits.

I don't want someone who can't or won't spend time with me, in person, on a regular basis.  I want to see my partner, spend time with him, and do things together that we both enjoy.

I don't want someone who doesn't do what he says he'll do.  I want someone I can depend on.

I don't want someone who lies.  Ever.  I want to be with a partner who is always 100% truthful with me.

I don't want someone who is in a bad mood a lot of the time and makes me feel responsible for making him happy.  I want a partner who is already happy with his own life.

I don't want someone who snores.  I want to sleep peacefully next to a big strong man, who is quiet at night.

I don't want someone who has any kind of sexual dysfunction.  I want a partner with a healthy appetite for and enjoyment of affection and sex.

I don't want someone I can't stand to listen to.  I want a partner who is a good conversationalist, who is interested in hearing what I have to say, and who talks about things I care about and find interesting.

Okay, maybe that's enough for one post.  It's a good start, and I'm sure I'll add to it.

What are you certain you don't want in a relationship, and what's the positive "flip side" of that?

Reading Between the Lines

So, here is a little story about an exchange I had with a guy on the dating site today.  He wrote me a couple days ago, and I just wasn't feeling it.  I mean, sometimes you just know, and you don't have to ponder why or whatever, you just don't write back.

I suppose there are different schools of thought on this, and some people believe you should always respond to every person who writes.  I guess if the person actually WRITES something, maybe.  But for some reason, I'm getting a lot of, "Hi, how are you?" type crap, which really tells me nothing about you, shows little effort on your part, and could have been sent to 500 women for all I know.  So, if I'm not feeling it, I just delete it.

Which is what I did on this one.  And generally, sane people will just take the hint and move on.  Sometimes pushier guys will write again.  And sometimes really pushy guys will get obnoxious about it.

Which is what we had today.

He wrote me maybe two days ago.  And I ignored it.  Then today I got, "Why didn't you write me back?  I'm I just not your type or what?"

Ummm...awkward much?

For some reason I was in the mood to respond, so I looked at his profile again, and here are my thoughts.  A.  Yeah, kind of just not into you dude.  B.  Your second photo is your car.  Not even you with your car.  Just your car.  Like it's a part of you, and I should be impressed by it.  I'm not.  I don't even know what kind of car it was.  It's black.  It's a shiny black car.  It's not you, or anything about you.  Other than the part of you that thinks chicks are gonna be impressed by your car.  C.  Your third photo shows you drinking a beer.  As someone who is working on issues surrounding alcoholics in my life, past and present, this turns me off.  Because again, choosing this photo as one of the few photos you're putting out there to show the world who you really are, means alcohol plays a big part in your life.  And I'm not into that.

So, what I actually wrote is, "Well, since you asked, honestly, I've had problems with alcoholics in my past, so I usually don't respond to men who have photos of alcohol in their profiles."

Seems simple enough, yes?  Honest, and tells him why, but doesn't attack him or get nasty about it?

WRONG.

Because he wrote me back a scathing reply along the lines of, "How DARE you not respond to me simply because I had a beer at a ball game?!  Did you even bother to ASK me if I have a drinking problem?!  NO, you just made an assumption based upon one photo.  I have a drink now and then.  It doesn't mean I have a problem!...."  And it went on.  And on.  And ooooooonnnn...

So...allrighty.  NOW, we know, that not only are you a drinker, but you're also crazy.  You're combative and defensive and delusional.  (Besides, what is someone gonna say to that question, if I had asked? "Why certainly, I am an alcoholic.  Thank you for noticing!"

BLOCK   

Cutting the Cheese

And then...

So, the profile of the guy who stood me up last weekend has been completely removed from the dating site now.  Which I'm taking to mean he's married and his wife caught his cheating a$$.  This may or may not be true, but it's what I'm going with.  And no, he didn't just block me, because on this particular site, that would look different.

Meanwhile, in other news...I met a couple other guys, and I've been emailed by many, and I just have to post about a few, because the truth is stranger than fiction (somehow this concept proves itself in my life quite often) and you just have to hear it.

There was the guy who's screen name was JoeyLovesToes.  (Names may have been modified to protect the innocent myself from liability, but I'm trying to capture the intended spirit.)  He was 10 years older than me and asked me, in the first email, to please send him a photo of my feet.  I did not.

There was TonsOfFun, who honestly does probably weigh a ton, but does not look like any fun at all, as he's got what my grandpa would call a "built in pissed off look."

Then I met a guy for a walk in the park, and he was acting all cagey about his "separation" until he ultimately told me he's actually still with his wife.  Super.

But yesterday took the cake.  Or took the cheese.  I had lunch with a guy who could not have possibly been more depressed, or more depressing.  I swear he didn't smile the entire time, and it was like pulling teeth to even have the simplest conversation.  I realize what I do for a living is confusing, but he just did. not. get. it.  It was like he couldn't even grasp that there are children in the world and that someone needs to care for them when they aren't with their parents.

I asked him what he does for a living, and he said, "I work at the cheese factory."

"Oh?  What do you do at the cheese factory?"

Blank.  Stare.

"Ummm...I suppose maybe you...make cheese?"

Blank.  Stare.

"Or... you do something having to do with making cheese?"

"I run a machine that cuts the cheese.  So, I guess I cut the cheese."

Dude!  I'm not even joking, he SAID that.  And like not even with a HINT of humor.  Dead serious, straight faced, no smile, like not even GETTING that what he'd just said was ridiculously funny in a junior high locker room kind of way.

I was so certain that I'm never seeing this guy again that I tried to buy lunch.  I just felt so bad for him.  But he insisted on paying.  And generally, I will hug just about anybody.  But no way I was getting that friendly with the guy who was so depressed about his professional cutting the cheese situation.

And so, on this snowy Friday night in the middle of May, the cheese (cutter) stands alone.  And so do I.

Hell Hath No Fury...

I made a batch of cookie dough to eat for supper.  I'm baking cookies tonight.  This is progress, because this afternoon I was too mad to eat.  Which, if you know me at all, is BAD.  Generally negative feelings drive me straight to shoving junk food in my face.  If it gets so bad that I can't eat, it's bad. You should stand back.

See, I got stood up today.  Met a guy online, and we emailed for a couple weeks, finally exchanged numbers, and we were supposed to meet in person today.  What made it even worse is I kind of got stood up earlier this week too.  By two different guys.  So, it's hard to not take it personally at this point.

The first one, I can kind of see where we didn't have a definite plan, and maybe I read things into things he said, and there were signs, and blah blah.  The second one, NO freakin' clue what happened.

I mean, like he texted me this morning, then again 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet, and then just flat out never showed up, and I haven't heard from him since.  My mother says to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe something happened, blah blah blah.  Whatever.  Unless he's in the hospital and his phone is at the bottom of a lake, there is really no excuse.

And I'm PISSED about it.

So, I did a little research, both online and by talking to friends.  Here's what I found out.  For your benefit, in case you are dating online and get stood up.  Because seriously, it's not you, it's him.

Okay, first up, they say this is less likely to happen if the guy asks YOU for the date.  Now, both of these a$$hats asked me out.  So, whatever, take that as you will.  But the point is, don't go asking him out.  He's more likely to accept and then back out in that case.

Second, apparently this happens a lot.  It's happened to a lot of people, both men and women, and if you do a little Googling, you'll see bazillions of message board threads about it.  So, again, it's not you.

Third, Mom's valuable advice:  When you're meeting someone somewhere, always take a book with you.  So you don't sit there feeling like a fool.

Fourth, one friend's valuable advice:  Always make a plan to meet somewhere/do something that you want to do anyway and are willing to go ahead and do by yourself.  Pick a movie you plan to see anyway, and if he flakes, go see the movie.  Decide what you really want to eat for supper, and plan to meet there, and if he falls off the face of the earth, eat anyway.

And lastly, another friend's take:  If you're going to date at all, and especially if you're going to date online, you have to just have ZERO expectations.  Which, my friend acknowledges, is easier said than done.  But it's really the only way to do it and not lose your damn mind.  Just go into it with the idea that you might email a few people, might chat with a few people, might even text or talk on the phone, and you might get asked out on an actual date or two.  And at any point along the timeline, he might just show you that he's a complete idiot.  So, no expectations, and then be happily surprised when things go well.

And if all else fails, just get mad, and eat cookie dough.

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

I have been living out of a suitcase for two weeks, but I'm finally home again, and so very happy to be here!  I had to travel for work last week, and then I took a three-day trip for a cousin's wedding.  I was home barely a day before leaving again for work travels.  My bed smells weird.  I don't have much food in the house.  My cats seem to be confused by my being here.  Tulips popped up and are ready to bloom since I was here last.  My DVR is full to over-flowing.

Anyway, for someone who's single and works from home, I've been at home very little lately, and I'm looking forward to settling back in.

Whoah Whoah Whoah Feelings...

It's been a rough week around here.  Daylight Savings Time is not my friend, for one.  I've been completely exhausted for a week.  I can't sleep at night, and want to sleep at crazy times during the day.

Also, I'm having the worst PMS I've had in months.  Like my boobs have been killing me for 10 days, and I've had cramps for three, and still no period.  It's the kind of nonsense that, a year ago, would have made me certain I was pregnant.  Except now there's no possible way I could be, short of an immaculate conception.

And I went off my anti-depressant completely about a month ago.  I was taking such a small dose anyway, and life has been pretty good lately, so I went ahead and weaned myself off.  So, this is my first period with no Prozac.  And so far, it sucks.

Spring is in the air in Missouri.  Well, it was day before yesterday.  Then this morning they were calling for snow.  It didn't snow.  Hovered around 33 all day and poured buckets of rain.  But I walked into Lowes the other day and stood face to face with the gazebo I had wanted to get married under.  Plants are popping up all over my yard.  Plants I put in the ground last summer, to get the yard ready for my wedding this summer.  The wedding that isn't happening.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't WANT that wedding anymore.  I know I'm much better off without that wedding.  But it's just a slap in the face.  Sort of like when everyone in the world started having babies right after my miscarriage.

I guess the moral of the story is that life goes on.  Even when it seems like it shouldn't.  Babies are born, plants grow, and my life goes on.

You know what else?  PMS with no Prozac is hell.  But without Prozac, flowers smell sweeter.  Food tastes heavenly.  My massage felt better.  Maybe the bad only feels so bad because it's such a contrast to the good.  And before it was all just kind of numb.

I'd rather feel.  Everything.

Shouldn't You at Least Buy Me Dinner First?

I had to go to the "girlie doctor" today.  That's what my boss calls the gynecologist.  I kind of like it.  The term I mean.  Not the actual experience.

So, the nurse takes me into the room and asks, "Dr. A. has a student with her today.  Is that okay?"

I say, "Sure."

And she says, "So he can come in for your exam?"

Wait.  You said, "He."  Ummmm...I already said yes.  Can I say no now?  That would be weird.  "He" is a doctor, so it's okay.  Right?  Or, "He" is studying to be one at least?  Okay, I replied, "Yes, he can come in."

So, I'm thinking "He" is just gonna observe or whatever.  And I swear they had me sit there and wait for an unreasonable amount of time.  Especially when one is naked from the waist down.  It gave me more time to ponder the ramifications of this male student sitting in on my exam.  And I thought, "Well, maybe he'll be cute." And then I thought, "No, wait.  That would be worse.  If he were cute."  And then, "Except, maybe it would be worse still if he were ugly and sitting there looking at my parts."  And this went on and on, until finally "He" came in.

And he was cute.  And looked all of 25.  And then Dr. A. proceeded to explain to him how a speculum works and give him a pair of gloves.  And I'm thinking, "Hold the phone!"  (Or the speculum.)  This guy is doing the actual exam?!

But what do I say at this point?  I mean, I'd already agreed (twice) to have him participate.  Also, the teacher in me can appreciate that everyone has to learn whatever they're gonna learn at some point in life, and maybe it's my contribution to medicine to allow this student to examine my lady parts?  Plus, I've done this a million times before.  It's never fun.  But, better for him to practice on me than on some poor 18-year-old girl who's freaking the hell out at having a stranger in her bits.

So, I go with it.  And Dr. A. explains to "Him" how to insert the speculum sideways (as it's more comfortable that way.  Who knew?) and then aim the thing down to find the cervix.

Except he can't find my cervix.  He looks high.  He looks low.  And there I lay, spread eagled and naked and trying to breathe.  He apologizes.  He thanks me for being patient.  He sighs a lot.  Until the doctor asks if he'd like her to find it.

Yes, please.  I would like you to find it.

So, she finds it.  And he takes the toilet brush thingy and scrapes my elusive cervix.  And he scrapes.  And scrapes.  And I want to scream, "Okay!  I think you've got it!"

Then she instructs him on how to remove the speculum in the manner most comfortable for the patient.  "Close it before pulling it out.  NO!  CLOSE IT FIRST!  Okay, now turn it sideways.  SIDEWAYS!  It's really uncomfortable if you don't turn it sideways first."  (Who knew?)

Seriously, I'm about 99% certain I was this guy's first Pap smear ever.  At 41, I suppose it's nice to be a hot young doctor's "first."

All in the name of science.